I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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