Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
