I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You may now shotgun with the bride
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
