he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
