Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
