I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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