when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
