If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
