he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
