Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
