I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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