Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
