That's intense
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
