Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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