i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
