you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
