No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
