you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
