We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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