I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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