Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
