you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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