Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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