Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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