my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
