Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize