We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
