Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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