the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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