I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
