Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
