i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
