the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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