I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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