we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
