Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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