He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
