I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My breasts were aching with rage.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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