I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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