I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
