so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
