Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
