I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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