Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
