I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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