Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
