OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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