I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
