her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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