wakey wakey hands off snakey
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Randomize
