my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
