she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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