I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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