I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
