My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
