I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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