You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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