Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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