I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
