Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
